Monkey's paw

Many years ago...how many? 15? 20? 10? I don't remember; I didn't write it down...
Many years ago, I sat out on the front porch of the house I owned in Eastside Estates, smoking and looking at the stars. It was sometime after Bram and I had started dating, I know, because I loved Bram from our first date and I remember sitting on the porch, my heart full of love and yearning.
I know that Bram and I were not dating at the time and I was so very sad, so sad. I sat out on my front porch after the kids had gone to bed, looking at the stars, smoking, and wishing Bram were with me. I looked up into the night sky, pondering existence, wondering why my life always seemed so off track, why other people seemed to get what they want while I always seemed to lose, and wondering who was in charge of all of this and what they were up to.
I saw a shooting star and I made a wish on it. I wished out loud to the universe to let Bram and me be together, to let us find love and laughter and a good life together.
And someone, something up there heard me and granted my wish.
My life with Bram was charmed. We were never rich, but we got by. We were happy and rarely argued. My kids had a dad and I had a husband--the most perfect husband I could ever have hoped for. I felt that Bram and I were meant to be, that it was ordained in the stars that we be together, that nothing and no one could ever ruin our Eden.
But it seems I forgot the truth in the old stories of Genies, magic fish, the monkey's paw. Wish-granters are sly and out to trick you. You have to be very careful about what you wish for, how you phrase your wish because wish-granters are always looking for the twist.
I was granted my wish. I got to be with Bram, to be loved by Bram, to feel safe and adored and strong as long as Bram was with me.
But I forgot to specify how long.

Weekend in Minot

I went to Minot this past weekend.
I went to take measurements of actors for a show I am costuming. Magic City Campus is performing "The Importance of Being Earnest" in April and my old good friend Alphonse has asked me to design and build the costumes. Our young people are giants nowadays...
I got a ride to Minot with my colleague Brad, who was heading to good ol' MSU to adjudicate the Paula-directed "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest."
The trip to Minot was enjoyable. Brad is a good guy, friendly and able to talk to just about anyone. He makes me feel comfortable and we had a real nice conversation all the way there. I navigated him around Minot: "Over there is my mother's house--she doesn't know I'm here this weekend..." "There is the church where Bram and I got married..." "This is the high school--it has the prettiest stage..." "There is the Subway that someone parked a car in late one night--Bram and I lived in a house right behind it..." "This is the Summer Theatre Amphitheatre; I did costumes there for over a decade and it's where Bram and I met..." "Here's the Cenex where someone told me my brake belts were squealing--when Bram and I first moved in together, we lived right behind the Cenex..." "And here's Hartnett Hall, where the play will be tonight, and where Bram and I spent much of our courtship and marriage..."
I spent the early evening with Aili, my very pregnant sister-in-law. I love Aili. And Derek. I wish I lived closer to them so I could visit them more. And also so I could be there when Aili has their baby...
I met Brad back at Hartnett to watch the play with him. Everyone I know had to come greet me and hug me, touch me, look at me. I was touched, but also, it made me tense. It makes me somewhat uneasy because I feel they are checking up on me, making sure I'm not still losing weight, I haven't started cutting myself, or lost my mind entirely. It also makes me feel naked, because Bram always led the way into groups. People shouted his name when they saw him and touched him. Then they would smile at me and talk to Bram. Now there is only me to greet and no one is really sure how. I'm not sure how. I don't know how to be me without him yet.
Pastor Janet, the woman who performed our marriage ceremony and our reaffirmation a year later, was seated directly in front of me. I introduced her and her husband to Brad.
(My mother decided a few weeks ago that since I mention Brad so often, we must be dating. WTF? I told her we weren't, but I guess I don't know my own self or my own life, because my mom has details of these dates Brad and I have been on. I had to keep saying my mom's name until I was sure I had her full attention--which took a good long while, believe me--and explain to her loudly that I was not dating now and likely would never date again, and if I did date again it would certainly be a long time from now, because I AM STILL IN LOVE WITH BRAM. I told Brad that we were apparently dating and he high-fived me and asked if we had had fun...)
The play was much better than I expected it to be. But, you know, being in Minot, sitting in Hartnett Hall, watching a play on our beloved stage...
sitting by a friend , a nice man, who is not Bram...
seeing people who don't readily recognize me because I am missing my better half...
I found myself looking down at my wrists and thinking, "What the fuck? Go ahead and slash 'em. This ain't ever gonna get better.
I went to Minot this weekend and it made me fell hopeless and suicidal. It made me acknowledge Bram's absence.
I don't want it to be real; I want to go on believing he's on a long vacation and he'll be back soon. Any day now.