1-2-3-4

So, yeah. I just watched the video for “1-2-3-4” by Feist for the first time. I loved it. Silly me; it made me cry.
I watched it and I thought how much fun it was and how Bram would have loved it and then I was very sorry that he never got to see it.
He also never read “The Stand,” by Stephen King. It’s one of my favorite books and I read it once a year. I could never discuss it with Bram; he didn’t want me to spoil it. He intended to read it; he was just waiting for the perfect weather. Yeah, it’s a weird excuse, but if you know Bram it makes perfect sense.
I read way faster than he did. He was not a slow reader; I’m just a crazy speed reader. When we were dating, Bram worked at a bookstore. When books didn’t sell at the store, they were ‘stripped,’ the covers sent back to the publisher and the bodies of the books tossed. Sometimes Bram would snag a few of these coverless books and bring them home. OH! They were terrible books! We’re talking about books that didn’t sell…
Bram and I would grab one of these terrible books, a pack of smokes each, enough change to buy coffee, and head to Perkins. We were college students; we didn’t have much money. This was our entertainment…
Since I read faster, I would start. I read the first page of the book, front and back, and then ripped it out and gave it to Bram. He would the read the same page and set it in a pile when he was done. The waitress would refill our coffee and take away pages of the book as we finished them. We would often stay there until we’d finished our packs of cigarettes, reading horribly written books and complaining and giggling the whole time.
Later, when we were making more money, Bram bought me books. Some of his friends chided him for not giving me more “romantic” gifts, but Bram loved me; he knew the way to my heart. He bought me tons of books. And every time we had to move, we would all bitch about moving all those heavy books.
I read for about an hour every night before bed now. Bram and I used to go outside before bed and smoke and talk for about half an hour. I miss those conversations. I also have a hard time sleeping without Bram in the bed beside me. Reading books Bram bought me is the closest ritual I have now to those bedtime talks.
I think I will read “The Stand” again now. And when I go to bed and have my nightly chat with Bram, I will share it with him.
I miss him so terribly. It is a huge gaping hole in my soul that I don’t think will ever heal.