teeth

My teeth are rotting.
I always used to have good teeth, no problem with cavities, although I did have to have eight teeth pulled at age thirteen cause my teeth were too big for my mouth.
I guess I really never spent much time looking at my teeth; I kept them clean and moved on.
The thing is I don’t remember even cleaning my teeth for weeks after Bram died. I know that sounds pretty gross, but I was in such despair. I’d get in the shower and not wash; just stand under the steaming water…
And I don’t remember eating much either. I know I drank a LOT of Coca-cola, and eating things that Nick and Monica made me eat. I also remember vomiting up many of those meals. I couldn’t keep anything down. I lost a LOT of weight, and very quickly. So HEY—severe trauma is a great weight loss plan! I’m still having trouble keeping food down. To be honest, I don’t remember eating much of anything from the time Bram died until I moved to Grand Forks.
Once I got into the good house here, my mind seemed to clear up a bit and I finally looked at myself in the mirror.
My hair is suddenly quite grey. I guess I shouldn’t say suddenly: I’ve been dying my hair to cover the grey since I was about 25. But not taking care of the touch-up dye jobs for ten months certainly revealed my true hair color. My hair is also crazy long and full of split ends and I haven’t been to get a professional cut in over a year.
So I look in the mirror and see all this long frizzy grey hair and I think, “When did I turn so old?” And I look closer for wrinkles and besides the crow’s feet at my eyes (which I’ve always kinda liked) I see two deep lines running between my eyes, from frowning nonstop. And deep lines running from the edges of my mouth, giving me a perma-frown. To erase the frown, I bare my teeth into a huge fake smile. And I see it. My teeth are rotting.
My first thought is of Bram. He can’t see me looking like this! How have I allowed this to happen? I always kept myself looking nice for him. He hated makeup and over-styled hair, but I kept my hair colored and trimmed. I tried to watch my weight so he’d still find me attractive, even though he said he’d love me even if I were fat enough to roll around town. But I wanted to look nice for him, so I stayed neat and clean…
I think I should cut my hair, and I have even pulled out the scissors to do it myself, or looked up stylists in town. But then I have this crazy thought that I can’t move beyond or reason myself out of.
What if I change my appearance? Will Bram recognize me if--when--we meet again?
Now I know this is crazy. If Bram and I loved each others’ souls, and the soul is the eternal part of us, won’t we be able to recognize one another in the afterlife? What if I live to be 100 (please god don’t let it be so)? I’ll certainly look different then! AND. I just explained that I no longer look the way I did the last time Bram saw me.
So, color and cut the hair and fix the stupid teeth.
But I can’t seem to do it.
Since Bram died, I have developed a severe mistrust of doctors and I can’t seem to make myself go see one, no matter how bad I feel. Apparently in my mind dentists are doctors, too. And they might misdiagnose me, leading to my untimely death. But every night I pray to be released from my Bram-less life, so an untimely death would be a good thing, right?
Or maybe I want to stay unwell and unattractive because I don’t deserve to be alive when Bram is not?
And what if a miracle happens and I suddenly am able to will and wish Bram alive and he were to find me looking like this?
I know that I am perhaps more than a little crazy without Bram to point out the illogic in my thinking. He centered me and now I can’t think myself out of my puzzles.